Thursday, 29 January 2009

Reflections On Cold Nights

Like a newborn baby, a new year always felt like a fresh start. It has always felt like a gift somehow. Anything could be possible.

Flashbacks From The Month Of January

January 2, 1998

*Nadalene is getting ready to go to Mexico.

January 3, 1998

*Still haven’t heard from Nadalene. Angelique went to Don’s and Nathan went to Kevin’s. Wahid was home, but you may as well say I was home alone. I’m in a shitty mood.

January 5, 1998

*I miss Nadalene already. It snowed all day. Mom called at nine for Angelique to pick up Pepsi for Dad. I think it was pretty ridiculous that she had to go get Pepsi at night in a snowstorm, with a car that has no winter tires.

January 8, 1998

*Wahid apologized for calling me lazy. I accepted the apology. Nana once told me that all a person can say is ‘I’m sorry.’

January 9, 1998

*The best is yet to be, and that is Nadalene getting home from Mexico tonight or early tomorrow.

January 13, 1998

*I was just talking to Mom, and I told her of a dream I had last night. In the dream; Jacquie didn’t want Mom to see me anymore, so Mom asked me not to come around. I was so surprised that I struck my hand out and pushed her in the chest. I told this to Mom and she said ‘Fuck that.’ Mom said she won’t be around forever and that she’ll die sometime. You can’t imagine how those words hit me. I couldn’t even believe my reaction. I started sobbing, almost as though Mom just died.

*I told Mom that she was the person who gave me my wings and that besides my children she is the one person I love more than anyone in this world. I admire her so much.

*It seems that the older I get, and realize who she is as a woman; I admire and love her more. I would say that my Mom is fair, loves children and they love her, truly believes that there is always room for one more and practices that, kind, beautiful, in style, modern, gave me a love of music, open-minded, does not gossip, can keep a secret, tolerant, fun, strict, caring, strong, and much much more. My Mom is not tolerant of liars, thieves, or fools. And if Mom has something to say, believe me, she will say it. She is also the best grandma in the world.

January 15, 1998

*Feeling depressed. Feeling confused. I am eating butter tarts. Does it make you feel better? NO! ‘AAAAAHHHH’

January 17, 1998

*I wanted Nadalene to keep driving, she could tell and said ‘Do you want me to keep going to Mexico?’ I said no kidding. I’m in a furious mood, I feel like I could rip somebody’s head off.

January 18, 1998

*I’m in a much better frame of mind. Honestly, Renee, get your act together.

*I typed out Angelique’s thesis for her Honors’ Degree.

January 1, 2001

*I can’t believe the date ‘2001’ it seems so futuristic.

*Diary is my generational word, but I know everyone now uses the word journal.

January 2, 2001 (two thousand and one)

*I am grateful that I like my children and I like my husband.

*It is 7:31 p.m. and I am in bed, I started my periods today, and I both look and feel like death warmed over (is that right, Mom always says that and now that I’ve written it out, I don’t know what it means). Anyways, I’m exhausted. I always feel like I do nothing for me, but I just realized I said ‘I’ 13 times in this short block of sentences.

January 5, 2001

*When I got married I was totally unsure where I was headed. I lived unconsciously, just making sure I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I have a happy marriage, and now after being married 25 ½ years, I realize how important it is to keep doing what you need to do for yourself, your husband, and your children. What I have learnt though is I should, and will do from now on, have taken the time to live in the present moment. In other words, if you’re sad, it is okay to feel it. If you’re happy, it is okay to feel it. In retrospect, what I realize that I gained most from this journey was the journey itself. In other words, where you are going may not be as important as how you get there.

January 7, 2001

*Harry came over and spent about four hours fixing the computer and it is now working perfect. I appreciate it very much, as I know how everyone’s time is precious to them. I realized today that there is only one letter separating Happy from Harry.

*Today I am grateful for my brother Harry. He is very smart. I would be interested in knowing what he thinks about. He is very private. I hope my kids know more about each other and can talk to each other about anything. Anyways, I’m grateful to Harry and grateful for Harry.

January 8, 2001

*Blah! Good night, God bless you.

*Nadalene is getting her application ready to apply for City Planning. I am so proud of her, I really don’t know how she can be so focused and she is also very hardworking. She does really well at school. Nadalene definitely gets being focused from the Khan side of the family. It is not a Ste. Marie trait, at least not one that I have. I get really interested in things but only for awhile.

*The personality trait I have that can be both good and bad is my ability to persuade people It is a positive trait when I use it for good, i.e., you’re a good person, all people are equal, when you hear something racist you must take a stand. On the other hand it is negative when I feel I am manipulating someone. Getting them to do what I want, and not taking their ‘yes or no.’ Not accepting that they can know what they want, when it may be different from what I want. When I know I’ve manipulated someone, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I (by the way) try never to do this.

January 13, 2001

*I really enjoyed my time with Angelique, she is brilliant.

January 15, 2001

*God do I ever sound like a bummer. I am grateful for . . . . still thinking . . . . my family.

January 17, 2001

*I wish I had the courage to . . . . look at my life . . . . know what I’m about . . . . to find myself . . . . have real relationships . . . . think and treat myself in a positive loving way . . . . say what I really feel . . . . do things for myself . . . . be a little selfish. Not a pretty picture, I sound like a jellyfish (no spine).

*I just realized that the list I just made about courage is all things I do have the courage to do. Now it is to make the effort.

January 23, 2001

*Happy birthday Gerry. I love my little brother.

*It has been six days since I last wrote (six days of pity for myself? Not convincing.)

*Charlton left for Africa yesterday, started crying because it was hard to see him go, no matter how happy I am for him to be able to have the opportunity.

January 4, 2003

*So very much has happened since I last wrote in this journal. The worst and saddest thing was that Charlotte died on December 10th.

*Nathan was Santa Claus for the first time ever and he did a completely amazing job.

*Drum roll please – the good big news of 2002. Angelique and Don got engaged on December 28th. The ring is amazing. The diamond sparkles, sparkles, sparkles. Really one of my happiest moments ever. By the way I couldn’t think of a more wonderful man for Angelique. My family is growing and I am so pleased.

*Financial fears: Wahid or I lose our jobs. One of us gets sick. No retirement income. No money to help our kids with school debt. No money to help them with their weddings.

January 12, 2003

*Wahid has been on holidays since the week before Christmas and we are really enjoying each other.

*Regarding my body – I do not take care of it at all. My body is neglected and weak. My stomach is huge, yesterday all I did was sit on the couch and eat junk. I’m not treating my body with love. I need to take control of what I’m eating; after all it doesn’t just fly into my mouth. I do have to use my hand to put it there.

*God is my spiritual anchor. I don’t think or do things that connect me with God enough in a day, but believe me, if I think anything is wrong I’m ‘God, God.’

January 13, 2003

*I think of myself as primarily being here for my children’s needs. Almost as if I always need to be ready in case they need me. They do not treat me as such; it is totally something I place on myself. So if I had to answer the question of ‘Who am I?’ I would say I am a person who is far more focused on my children than on myself.

*I want to be a person who is as interested in my own life as I am in my children’s. I believe I am here to make the world a better and more positive place. I am important because I am joyous. My mission is to make my family (and through them) optimistic and strong.

*I want to be here to enjoy my family and this glorious world. I definitely fear failure and that is why I take no risks. I need to feel secure. I could embrace change as an adventure if the change is done in baby-steps.

*The obstacle I see in my life is ‘stagnation – inert – laziness.’ I’m comfortable and I don’t want to be disturbed. ‘What, put on my shoes to go out!’ When I feel like this I am going to repeat the following mantra ‘Life is an adventure – go and be adventurous.’ In my life it is the lack of what I do that hurts me.

*Advice I would pass on to the next generation would be to respect each other, keep laughter and communication open and to treat the person you love the way you would want to be treated with integrity and kindness and to focus on all the positive things about your partner and not to focus on the negative, because life and love truly are a state of mind.

January 10, 2005

*I’m living in my own future.

*Wahid is definitely my main squeeze.

*I was only 19 when I became a mother so I don’t know if I had any goals and dreams that weren’t romantically-based as in married and children and living happily ever after. I believe my goals and my dreams I had at 19 have actually been fulfilled.

*Current events in the world interest me. Humanity interests me. My friends’ family interests me. History interests me. Teenagers interest me. Spirituality interests me.

January 19, 2005

*I have definitely not outgrown my life. When I was 20 I wanted to be a good mother and a good homemaker and I have achieved that. Funny or maybe not so funny, but my ambitions haven’t changed.

*I would like my life to still go forward by being an involved mother and a safe place for my family. My children are all wonderful functioning people and I believe that now I have more time to invest in Wahid and me.

*I’d really like Wahid to know me and for me to know him; warts and all. We are intimate on all levels but there is a part of both of us where we won’t let the other see our insecurities.

January ?, 2007

*Contemplation and preparation. I want to make changes so that I live a happy and productive life and don’t hide under the covers until I die.

*I want my last days to be uplifting and not to be lived unconsciously.

*What are my worries? What am I afraid of? Vulnerability; looking like a fool; unrequited emotions; not seeing my children married and with children; my family falling apart; being replaced.

Flash Forward

I see now that January is exactly what I always thought it was; a fresh start and a new place to begin. What I also see is that sometimes you have to leave the baggage at the end of the old year and not bring it in with you to the new one. It also helps to have love in your heart and to chance on a leap of faith.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Wednesday's Women No. 15

With shoulders slumped and head down she started to walk away. If only she would look to the right.

Monday, 26 January 2009

Ring Around The Rosy

Honestly, I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am so emotional that I have been crying over the drop of a hat for several weeks now. Probably since I had that wicked flu and was throwing up non stop for days. It reminded me of everything that I try to forget.

I keep repeating my version of the nursery rhyme ‘Ring around the rosy, pocketful of cancer, hush-a hush-a, we all fall dead.’ Why I’m torturing myself I really don’t know.

Right now my back is killing me, so does that mean the cancer is on the move. Like my dear friend Pat says ‘You have a sore on your hand and you think it is leprosy. A headache and you think it is a brain tumor.’ Any ache and any pain is cancer in my mind.

Is this the time? Is the bullet from the gun that is aimed at my head going to hit me square this time?

It has been well documented, my relationship with the monster under the bed. But this is something different. I think I am suffering a personal malaise.

My tears do not belong to the family of boo hoo hoo, nor do they belong to the family of hoo hoo boo; rather they belong to the family of silent, eyes welling up, tears just falling off your chin in mourning.

My head floods with the images of the people I have known and loved. The slow inevitable decay as things got worse; the surprising speed with which it all ended. Like receiving needles, anticipation of the needle can be the worst, only in this case I know it isn’t the worst, it is only the beginning.

I was never given any guarantees. I take the optimistic side of all of my medical info. Not that it matters one little bit. Not that there is a single thing I can do about it. The sheer helplessness and impotence of the situation can be paralyzing.

Of waiting to be told that this will not end well. Getting an elbow to the ribs reminding you that they said it would not end well right from the beginning where it already was not going well. Reminding you not to be surprised, you have been told all along.

‘Ring around the rosy, pocket full of cancer, hush-a hush-a we all fall dead.’

My soul and I have been talking and we think that because I love my family and my life so much I just can’t bear the thought of leaving them or it. My husband, my children, my granddaughter; it is too much to bear.

My family scene was set and all the characters were comfortably in place. A middle-aged couple hoping to retire one day with lots of grandchildren to remind them of their youth. Three adult children and one son-in-law with another son-in-law on the way. Two careers. A house. Extended families, friends, dreams, and aspirations.

There is just one other character yet to introduce. Crawling through a crack in the foundation, waiting in the wings offstage just behind the blinds by the air vent, smelling like cells gone haywire, and taking up residence in my right breast. The bad guy, the one with enough power to, at the very minimum, kill me and destroy everyone else too. There is no doubt that he will kill me one day, but destroy my family he will never do.

‘Ring around the rosy, pocket full of cancer, hush-a hush-a we all fall dead.’

When I was first diagnosed I was devastated. Then I had treatments and was so sick that at certain points I didn’t really care anymore; as a matter of fact I sometimes wished that a stranger would creep up to my bedroom and blow my brains out. Then my chemo stopped because my heart needed a rest (in more ways than one) and I started to feel better.

And even though I have reached a place where the pain and side effects are more or less managed, who’s to say that they won’t show up again sooner than later, out of the blue, ready to pounce on me again because I have tricked myself into believing that I might be one of the lucky ones. Cancer is a tricky bastard and the universe is even a trickier bastard and who knows what the two of them might cook up.

This was always a losing battle. I always knew it was. It’s just that living without hope isn’t much of a life. It is a hard thing to fight when you know you’re not going to win.

My body, my mind, my emotions, they are all tied up in knots and braced against more pain and illness. I remember the illness. And I don’t know if I can live through that again.

‘Ring around the rosy, pocket full of cancer, hush-a hush-a we all fall dead.’

I was a child who grew up in a dream and became the woman who married the man with whom she had three children and raised them in the dream too. I have always been more of a denial type of person; you know, pretend it’s not there and make it to the finish line.

I remember being one of many sisters, but now I am the one sister. The sister that is dying while the others are not. The sister that was, and will be again, stuck in a bed while the many sisters can get up and walk away. I remember clearly the distancing between me, sick as a dog on the couch, and the others sitting close by. Close by, but never ever close enough to know.

‘Ring around the rosy pocket full of cancer, hush-a hush-a we all fall dead.’

I must comfort myself with what I have always comforted myself with ‘words.’ Thank you Francis Bacon for these:

doing what
you want to do now.
We are not living in eternity.
We have only this moment, sparkling
like a star in our hand –
and melting like a

I remind myself that partly cloudy is partly sunny and that here on this earth right now I have been given the opportunity to live with angels. This life here and now is good and the people I am able to share my life with are good. I have to believe that this time here will not be all there is because my soul will never be full of them. My soul will yearn for them always.

Maybe I am being morbid, but it’s really that when you have a terminal illness, well, that’s a time when you just can’t live for the future any more. This was and continues to be a huge burden for me. And sometimes I really don’t know how to be with it.

Roger Housden states “To be vulnerable to the mystery of our life as it presents itself, requires forgoing our hopes and fears for the future and being willing to taste what is here before us, in all its poignant bittersweetness.”

I am still here (thanks darling Jill). I need to show up and be present every day and maybe, just maybe that will be enough (but I don’t feel it will).

The words of ‘Ring around the rosy’ date back to the Great Plague of London in 1665 (bubonic plague). The symptoms of the plague included a rosy red rash in the shape of a ring on the skin (ring around the rosy). Pockets were filled with sweet smelling herbs or posies which were carried due to the belief that the disease was transmitted by bad smells. The term hush-a hush-a was really ashes, ashes which referred to the cremation of the dead.

Thursday, 22 January 2009


I'm sure you all know this recipe. The secret to mine, however, is that when you add the child and hood make sure that she has the ability to scare the wolf more than he scares her. Then, but only then, stir together slowly.

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Wednesday's Women No. 14

I really don’t know what to wear today. I’m thinking of a new expression, but I just don’t know which one fits my soul best.

I am hopeful because we have a new president. I am worried in case something horrible happens to him. I am happy, not because he is an African-American but because he is an American representing a new generation and new ideals. I am worried because there are still haters in the world. I am hopeful that there are more lovers than haters. I am hopeful he will stop the war in Gaza. I am worried he won’t be able too.

Okay enough already, that backwards/forwards thinking can go on all day.

I have been wearing indecision non-stop for months and it is time for it to come off. I am making a decision and taking it off today. And because I cannot face the world wearing a blank expression and because after listening to the new President’s speech yesterday, I feel a wee spark of hope in my heart.

I believe I will wear hopeful.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

First Family

Yes you can Mr. President . . . . . . .


The birthdates for Aquarius are between January 20th and February 18th. My Dad’s birthday is on the 30th.

Colour = Sky Blue
Metal = Uranium
Stone = Amber and Malachite
Tree = Pine
Plants = Snowdrop and Foxglove

Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer, which derives from Greek mythology in which the Rain God poured water onto a parched world below. The water washes away the past, leaving room for a fresh, new start. Aquarians are eternally giving life and spiritual food to the world. They are forward looking and growth-oriented. Aquarians are the most congenial in the zodiac so they are seldom lacking companionship.

Ruled by Uranus, Aquarians often have an intellectual agenda. They are even given to forcing their ideas on others. This intellectual superiority complex can often intimidate others. Aquarians can be quick to contradict others and to offer their own unique perspective. They love intellectual debates because they are very quick and alert, and their powers of observation are particularly strong. They usually win debates and are interested in scoring points.

An Aquarian can make delightful company. They always have something interesting to say and their perspective on issues can be quirky, delightfully unusual and surprisingly insightful. Aquarians follow their own path, marching to the beat of their own drum. They are happy to have along anyone who wants to journey with them. New ideas pour freely from their far-reaching minds as they search for knowledge and truth.

Aquarians are especially loved by their Aries daughter. No other sign in the zodiac is as proud of their family members, and in the case of this particular Aquarius, his family members couldn’t be more proud of him. This Aries daughter could not be happier that she had the good fortune to have an Aquarian father that was a life-time student of human nature. As well your Aries daughter admired your clever, witty, frank, intellectual, funny, and loving nature. Until we meet again…..

Monday, 19 January 2009

Dreams Sponsored By The Letter H

Hag: If seen in a positive light the Hag will represent the wise old woman figure, however, if seen in a negative light the Hag will represent the devouring mother. *Artist at

Hail: To dream that you are caught in a hailstorm suggests that you are emotionally withdrawn (some situation beyond your control is causing you to shut down). If you hear hail beating down on your roof that will indicate that you are going through very difficult times.

Handwriting: Represents your self-expression and creativity. Try to recall what your handwriting was referring to in your waking life. Handwriting in a dream can also be a warning, as in ‘the handwriting is on the wall.’

Heart: Seeing your heart signifies truth, courage, love and romance. It is representative of how you are currently dealing with your feelings and if you are expressing your emotions. Consider the saying ‘the heart of the matter’ which implies that you need to get down to the core of a situation before proceeding. If you dream your heart is bleeding this would represent desperation, despair, extreme sadness and sympathy.

Heaven: A desire to find perfect happiness. You may be trying to escape from the difficulties you are experiencing in your life by finding Heaven which serves as a medium in which you can restore your faith, optimism, and your hopes.

Hell: Signifies that you may be suffering from an inescapable situation that has been placed in another’s hands.

Hippie: Suggests a need to be different, along with a rejection of societal norms and conventional values. You have a strong need for forms of freedom of expression.

Hospital: Symbolizes your need to hear or improve your physical or mental health. You feel a need to get back into the flow of everyday life. The fear of this dream lies in the suggestion that you are giving up control of your own body or that you are afraid of losing control of your body.

House: To see a house in your dream (especially if it is your home) represents your soul and self. Specific rooms indicate aspects of your psyche. In general, the attic represents your intellect; the basement represents the unconscious, etc. If the house is empty it indicates feelings of insecurity. If the house is shifting then it suggests that your belief system may be changing, etc.

Hugging: To dream that you are hugging someone symbolizes your loving and caring nature because to hold someone is to press them close to your heart. Alternatively it may indicate a need to be more affectionate.

Saturday, 17 January 2009

Thursday, 15 January 2009

Farewell Suckers

Before George W. Bush (Bush) was elected as President of the United States for the first time, my father (miss his insight) said to me and Wahid “Mark my words, if he is elected there will be a war within a year because he has the looks of a man that needs to prove something to his father; he will go in and finish the war his father started.”

I from the first hated his swagger, arrogance and that stupid smirk on his face. Mind you I am a Canadian who always wants an American democrat to win. Like most Canadians (I think) I am not very interested in Canadian elections (we have Harper who I hate) but I am very interested in American elections.

One of my son-in-laws (Charlton) said that Canadians vote for the political party and Americans vote for the person. I think that is correct. For example in Canada we don’t even know what religion our Prime Minister practices, while in the States (even though they still say separation of church and state) they do know what religion their President practices and where he practices it. In Canada that appears to be a non-issue. I personally don’t care if someone has a faith or not; for me it is can you do the job and represent what your citizens want.

I guess I am also very interested in American politics because I love American people. They are my people too. I have been to almost every State and I love the place and the people. Personally I think the majority are amazing.

I am so long-winded; I had no intention of writing all of the above, because the focus of this post is to talk about Bush’s farewell speech that will be held sometime this evening.

Presidential farewell speeches date back to George Washington and will continue tonight with Bush. When you are watching tonight please do not feel sorry for this imbecile while he stumbles and squirms and shows his stupid grin. He is the village idiot, but not the one who wouldn’t hurt a fly, that is not the role he has been playing. He has been the most powerful man in the world and people have been stomped-out under the heel of his cowboy boot.

During the eight years between Bush’s ascension to his ignominious exit have been marked by two wars (thousands of dead and injured), Guantanamo prison camp, Hurricane Katrina, Abu Gharib prison, torture, financial chaos and overall instability worldwide.

Bush a.k.a the Worst President Ever made very good use of the television during his eight year term. Basically he never used it, as people may have found out just what a fool he is. He rarely talked to the press and I think that may have been because they might have asked him to spell cat. Then he may have sounded like the man he is, a man completely unqualified to be President of the United States.

He is leaving office with his soulless sidekick dead eyed dickless Dick and for millions of people around the world it cannot come soon enough. The only thing more I want to hear about those two bastards again is that they are being charged with crimes against humanity.

Quotes from an idiot:

Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country. – Poplar Bluff, Mo., 09/06/04

I’m the decider, and I decide what is best. And what’s best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense. – Washington, D.C., 04/18/06

See in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda. – Greece, N.Y., 05/24/05

There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again. -- Nashville, Tenn., 09/17/02

We’ll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers. – Houston, Tex., 09/06/00

People say, ‘How can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil?’ You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in’s house and say I love you. – Washington, D.C. 09/19/02

You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war president. No president wants to be a war president, but I am one. – Des Moines, Iowa, 10/26/06

I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office. – Washington, D.C., 05/12/08

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Wednesday's Women No. 13

All this talk of money on every TV channel. What money? I never had any and I’m doing alright. People blaming G.W. saying the economy is going to hell in a hand basket. God provides, don’t fear God provides.

And that is total (excuse my language) bullshit when they say people are not buying houses because there are so many new people buying in my development. If there was no money than why are so many people buying?

When I was a young girl and I could be anything I want because I live in the land of opportunity, instead of being a doctor or something like that my Daddy gave me some great advice. ‘Candy, girl, womens will always need to look purddy if they don’t want to lose their man.’ So I took my exstatics course (I only took three weeks though so I don't have my papers but really I learnt all I needed to know) and we were taught to do nails and hair and make-up and all that.

It makes me so mad when I hear all this here talk about blaming G.W. He was the best president this country ever had. And if his Missus ever wants her hair done by me (I think she would look real glamourous as a platinum blond), well that would just be a privilege. A real privilege (my old man put one of those little hair washing sinks by where we does the dishes).

Speaking of my old man; we was discussing how the TV people try to control peoples minds, like by saying smoking ain’t good for you. If I didn’t smoke I would be so stressed out. Don’t believe all that you hear, take me for example, I still have my girlish figure (with a little help from my exstatics dollars to raise my girls [if you get who I mean by girls]) and it ain’t caused me to have one wrinkle yet (the ones on my forehead are from my kids).

I’ll pass on a beauty secret to you all, cause after all we're neighbours now. You can dye your own eyebrows and it is as easy as pie. When I do dark hair on a person I just stick a little brush in the dye and presto new eyebrows. Also a real beauty secret, secret to get lips like mine and Angelina’s (Brad Pitts’ girl) just suck on those hot cinnamon heart candies and place them on your lips. This will burn your lips and make them swell.

Welcome to the neighbourhood…

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

January = 01

Who kissed you on New Years Eve? No one. No kisses for me as I was in bed under the covers fast asleep. I was recovering from the stomach flu. I did, however, kiss Wahid first thing in the morning on New Years Day.

Did you have a New Year’s Resolution this year? Yes, I wrote in my journal that I want to live to see 2010. I am hoping like mad that this resolution sticks as no others before it ever have (I hope I haven’t cursed myself).

Does it snow where you live? Absolutely and we have tons of the white stuff. As a matter of fact, it is snowing right now. I love the snow and to me nothing is prettier than when I see a snow blizzard. For many people (with cancer in the bones or the elderly) walking in the snow can be difficult and scary.

Do you like hot chocolate? Yes I do. I hear they have a little machine now that makes hot chocolate; I keep wanting to see how much those things cost. I usually only have the hot chocolate that you add boiling water too and it isn’t great.

Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? Never, I am such a stick-in-the-mud (a total drag) I don’t know if I would even care too. Just like cancer – I would rather observe it from a distance than have it.

Monday, 12 January 2009

Dreams Sponsored By The Letter G

Galaxy: To see the galaxy in your dream is to see your ability to be creative. It also means that you are looking at the broader picture and are more aware of your surroundings. You are starting to live consciously.

Gargoyle: Signifies hidden and embarrassing fears over secretive matters that you have not shared with anyone. In many ways you don’t want to look at them yourself.

Gate: To pass through a gate in your dream suggests that you are walking through a new phase of life which can represent new opportunities and possibilities (especially if the gate is opened or swinging). To see a closed gate, however, signifies your inability to overcome current difficulties. You need to question whether you are ready or prepared for the next steps you need to take.

Ghost: To see a ghost in your dream symbolizes aspects of yourself that you fear. This fear may arise from painful memories or guilt or repressed thoughts. It can be seen often by those who are afraid of death or even the dying. Ghosts are also representative of something that is no longer obtainable or within reach. A ghost in your dream can leave you feeling disconnected from life and society.

God: To see God signifies your spirituality and expression of your feelings about divinity. God also symbolizes an untouchable, unreachable, and unattainable notion of perfection which highlights your struggles and attempts at trying to be perfect.

Grandchild: Represents the renewal of life and reflection of your own past. It refers to your family line, generations and traditions, as well as innocence and purity.

Grandparents: To see your grandparents symbolizes your need to find love, security, protection, and wisdom.

Grave: Indicates a need to delve into your own unconscious in search of an issue that you thought had been put to rest. You need to stand up for yourself for no one else can do it for you.

Griffon: This is a dream of the positive aspects of change. You possess the physical power and the stability of the lion and the vision, spirit and alertness of the eagle. You are intellectually strong.

Guru: Suggests that you are trying to be more influential and powerful in the world. You are always in search of knowledge and inspiration. You want to leave your mark.

Saturday, 10 January 2009

Friday, 9 January 2009

Enough Posturing

I am so angry.

In his last days that bastard George Bush is blocking a serious international resolution of the United Nations to stop the fighting in Gaza. Instead he is trying to impose a skewed alternative that would legitimize the suffocating chokehold the blockade has on Gaza (why Hamas cites for their rocket attacks in the first place).

How is it that the United Nations can be blocked by one country?

What can I post here? Anyone with one brain cell left must be aware of the unevenness of the firepower and the blatant brutality of the invasion in Gaza.

The bloodshed in Gaza is escalating as politicians of the worst stripe posture and the diplomats allow them to continue to argue. Over 700 have now been killed with half of the people being comprised of civilians. There are well over 100 children dead. Thousands have been injured and 1.5 million terrified civilians have no escape from this prison-like enclave as the borders are sealed. Hamas (not innocent either) continues to fight and fire rockets at Israel killing five civilians.

The violence only worsens as Bush continues his posturing. Fuck I hate that bastard.

(Note that International Journalists are not allowed into the war zone.)

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Looking Forward To Age

I will walk down to a marina
on a hot day and not go out to sea.

I will go to bed and get up early
and carry too much cash in my wallet.

On Memorial Day I will visit the graves
of all those who died in my novels.

If I have become famous I’ll wear a green
janitor’s suit and row a wooden boat.

From a key ring on my belt will hang
thirty-three keys that open no doors.

Perhaps I’ll take all of my grandchildren
to Disneyland in a camper but probably not.

One day standing in a river with my fly rod
I’ll have the courage to admit my life.

In a room cabin at night I’ll consign
photos, all tentative memories to the fire.

And you my loves, few as there have been, let’s lie
and say it could never have been otherwise.

So that: we may glide off in peace, not howling
like orphans in this endless century of war.

~~ Jim Harrison ~~

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Wednesday's Woman No. 12

You are such a liar. No one can believe a thing you say. Believe me we all want to, but it just ain’t happening.

You did take the fish, everyone saw you. Do I need to get you a mirror so you can see yourself? I have never in all my days seen someone who lies for no reason. You seriously need help. Fucking get it already.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Hip Hip Hip

This was to be a simple post and it was to be posted on New Years Day. But just like happens in real life; life gets in the way. I was hit with the worst stomach flu imaginable, my good friend Carol is dying in the hospital (colon cancer), I was in the hospital for pamidronate, and I am sickened by what is happening in Gaza. But like a typical North American my attention does not dwell long on these matters.

This was to be a positive post and it still will be. Actually it will be a real post and things in life are a mixture of the pretty and the ugly.

“Tell me a story, Pew.”

What story, child?

“One that begins again.”

That’s the story of life.

“But is it the story of my life?”

Only if you tell it.

~~ Anonymous ~~

A new year, can you believe it? I don’t do resolutions (I make them, I just don’t do them) but I do have hopes and dreams and they boil down to one thing; life. My goal for 2009 is to live and see 2010.

I am looking forward to the change this world needs – Bush/Cheney out of office (they should both be brought before The Hague for war crimes). Please Obama, be who we all hope you are.

The one thing a new year (just like a new day) brings is the opportunity to start fresh, a brand new story to be written on a brand new slate. Even though reality presses in on me from all sides, I can’t but feel hopeful at the beginning of a new year.

I am looking forward to change; a change of pace and a change of self. Within that change is a hope that I can get it right, that I can be a better person than I have been, the hope that I can be a better mother than I have been. I want to feel inspired once again; I want to remember how it feels to shake things up. I want, I want, I want. I am hoping for less of the difficult and more of the good.

I believe that change starts within oneself and usually begins with one step. Almost everything I have ever done has been because I just put one foot in front of the other.

Allow no one to define you, even when, or especially when you are made to be something grander than you are. I make a conscious effort to listen to what I think and believe and say to myself when no one else is in the room. I am the only person who can decide if I am a worthwhile person.

I remind myself to believe in myself. While I am able I need to go to the trouble to discover my own potential. I need to have the courage to stand up for what I believe in and to have the heart and the wisdom to know how to speak out.

At this stage in my life it is very important that the relationships I have be real. If not, there is no point. I want you to know me and I want to know you. I know who I am on the inside and I am happy that you also know who I am. I am one and the same to myself and to you.

I try to make the most with what I have. I look fear in the face always recalling from the Dune books ‘Fear is the mind-killer.’

One of the great skills and knacks of life is to see beauty in everything. I try and life is really pretty darn amazing. Life isn’t always pretty though – bad things happen remember – but it is almost always made up of something pretty heartfelt and genuine. There is always within the beauty something that describes what it means to be alive.

We have to enjoy the moments of our lives, before they too will only be a memory. Enjoy the present, the right now, before it is gone.

My wish for my children in this new year is that each night when they lay their heads down on their pillows all their cares of the day will slip away. Dream the dreams of children my children. Let each day worry about itself and sleep in peace knowing that all your needs will be met, sleep in peace knowing that you are loved, and sleep in peace knowing that tomorrow will be full of new possibilities.

2009 seems like a good year for enlightened discussion and opportunities for compassion, so let’s go for it.

Hip hip hip, three cheers to our lives on these new days in this new year.

Monday, 5 January 2009

On The 12th Day

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
twelve drummers drumming,
eleven pipers piping,
ten lords a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings,
four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree…

The twelve drummers drumming are the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostles’ Creed. Belief in God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, that Jesus Christ was born of the Virgin Mary, made man, crucified, died, and arose on the third day, that he sits at the right hand of the father, will come again, the resurrection of the dead, and life everlasting.

Sunday, 4 January 2009

On the 11th Day

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
eleven pipers piping,
ten lords a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings,
four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree…

The eleven pipers piping refer to the eleven faithful apostles. Simon Peter; Andrew; James; John; Philip; Bartholomew; Matthew; Thomas; James bar Alphaeus; Simon the Zealot; and Judas bar James.

Saturday, 3 January 2009

Soundless Saturday No. 20

On The 10th Day

On the tenth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
ten lords a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings,
four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree…

The ten lords a-leaping represent the Ten Commandments.

(This one is for you Deanna xoxoxo)

Friday, 2 January 2009

It's Your Planet

I was turned on to this environmental disaster by grrrl and her outrage made me outraged. It reminded me to wake my sleepy head up and remember to care more this year. It is your planet so please try to give a shit.

It is 2009; stop believing what the man tells you. And if your water source is from the Emory River in Tennessee, stop drinking it.

A containment wall in the Kingston Fossil Plant burst causing a 40 acre landslide of toxic sludge.

The Governor of Tennessee held a fistful of coal ash that spread over a valley to show that he is not worried about the toxicity. He was reportedly heard stating ‘This (sludge) is absolutely going to contain arsenic, lead, boron, and thallium. But this stuff, it’s not high-level waste. I don’t think people should be scared of the stuff. There’s a greater danger from air quality, from flying ash being ingested.’ It is reported further that despite the governors sludge-handling in front of the media that the state health commissioner repeatedly urged him to wash his hands afterward and also told people who visit the site that they should leave their shoes outside their homes and that their clothes should be washed multiple times.

Some disgracing video I just watched showed dead fish on the banks of the tributary and officials stating ‘in terms of toxicity, until an analysis comes in, you can’t call it toxic.’ Where is your moral responsibility?

Environmentalists are saying the sludge is four to five feet deep and could fill over 800 Olympic size swimming pools. Not only do they not know how to clean it up, they don’t know where to put it.

It is now being reported that independent water samples are as different from night and day to official water samples taken from the Emory River (surprise surprise). Unofficial reports list concentrations of eight toxic chemicals ranging from twice to 300 times higher than drinking water limits. These results are in such conflict from official results that as a result scientists and activists are warning people to drink bottled water (being one of the poorest states I don’t know how the average person will be able to buy it).

On The 9th Day

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings,
four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree…

The nine ladies dancing are the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit found in Galatians: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.